In defense of optimism

I was having dinner with a few friends last week, and the topic of my future came up. I told the group that I aspire to be a sage. I want to sit in an office, read, blog, and talk with people (if they feel inclined to talk). Oh yeah, and I want to get paid.

My friends were remarkably encouraging, considering the monk-like nature of my ideal career. I have good friends. They encouraged me to begin blogging again, which I have been meaning to do for the year and a month that it has been since my last post, but things happen and plans change and blogging is the first thing to go. Two of my friends offered to be my blog accountability buddies: Daniel and Lester. These guys are supposed to keep me blogging at least twice a month, but I would like to encourage you as a reader to harass me as well. I enjoy the Internet most when I'm interacting with real people, not just writing to myself...even if that interaction involves hounding me to blog more.

I want to reignite my blogging career by writing about optimism. Now, I am not an optimist. I generally see the glass as half empty and I enjoy gloomy days--perhaps by nature, perhaps by training. However, certain recent events have led me to question my pessimism (no, not Obama). Pessimism still holds an important place in my heart, but I think that, slowly, I am emerging as an optimist.

Let me explain: I have a penchant for dreary things. As a young dude, I loved grunge music, Metallica, and the Smashing Pumpkins...all bands that espouse very little optimism and offer very little hope. The authentic emotion that comes through when Metallica sings "Master of Puppets" cannot be matched. And even as my musical tastes have strayed from heavy toward pop, I have embraced the angsty poptarts. I can't help but bang my head when Kelly Clarkson sings "Ms. Independent" or when I watch Pink's "So What" video. They're angry, I'm (not angry but I like pretending to be) angry, we're a perfect match. I'm just waiting for Kelly to figure it out.

I also love dark novels, especially dark Russian novels. Dostoevsky takes the cake. His novels are littered with suicidal nihilists, hopeless alcoholics, and unrepentant murderers. His characters are always maneuvering, trying to gain social status or position. And though I am not Raskolnikov (Crime and Punishment, he murders a woman and tries to get away with it), I feel like Dostoevsky is able to peer into the dark parts of my soul through his characters and themes. I think the same thoughts and feel the same emotions as many of his depraved characters; Dostoevsky can tap into my Id and display my sins on the page.

But in Dostoevsky I have also found my defense of optimism. Each of his novels contains a character that is different than the others. This one is unscathed by the dark world around him and in fact, brings life and goodness to the other characters in the novel. Many of Dostoevsky's novels end well, surprisingly, with this Christ-like character bringing about conversion in one of the darker characters lives. The Idiot is the author's novel about an idiot, a man who suffers from epilepsy and whose life is utterly beautiful. The Idiot comes into Russian high society from a hermitage where he has been recovering from epilepsy and delights almost everyone he meets with his sincerity, kindness, and compassion. He is in many ways an optimist, seeing the best in others and hoping for the best in his own life.

I have enjoyed Dostoevsky because I feel like he's honest with me. He doesn't side-step the darkness that exists inside of his characters (or you and me), and somehow it is comforting that someone writes about this darkness so clearly. But he also knows that people need some sort of hope, and that's why he includes the Christ characters like the Idiot. I love the contrast between the contorted lives of the Russian bourgeoisie and the virtue of the Idiot, but until recently I never seriously considered that I could remove myself from the residue of darkness and live like the Idiot. To live like the idiot, joyful and hopeful, had seemed like an unreality, but I've started to think that there is something to it.

The Idiot offers a glimmer of hope in an evil world, a great message for the world today. Our economy sucks and wars are sprouting up all over the place. But even in the midst of the financial crisis, my view began to change. I slowly began to realize that I could be hopeful and even optimistic without ignoring the problems that surround me. I could take in the reality of suffering and death and believe that there is hope and there is still something to be joyful about, sort of like the Idiot, living as a light person in a dark world.

Pessimism had a last stand of sorts this past November. I got really sick and was stuck in bed with bronchitis for a week. Bored, I spent most of my time watching comedy and music videos on YouTube. Some of the videos were dark and hopeless, and while I had frequently been drawn to that sort of thing, the bronchitis was dreary enough for me; I wanted some sunshine. The lighter videos started to stir something in me, a sort of happiness. Being a Christian, God took what YouTube started and over the past two months has turned it into a more substantial joy and, dare I say, optimism. It has been a strange experience because I didn't really do anything to attain this joy; it was just sort of given to me.

Joy is great! My life is more fulfilling and I have more energy to take risks with joy. I would recommend it even to the most determined pessimist. But do beware, I am finding that joy gives birth to optimism (at least a little).

Now don't worry, I'm still a stuffy Calvinist, but with a sunnier outlook on life. Just remember friends: next time you're looking for a spiritual breakthrough, put down the Dostoevsky and take a couple of sick days instead to watch YouTube.